Work in Progress (Five Weeks)

What is my life like right now?

Heartburn, mostly. Worry. Trying to eat all the nutrients when more often I don’t want to eat at all. And a constant looping thought of “OMG, I’m pregnant, I need to tell EVERYONE.”

I have not told everyone.

A few friends. One of my sisters (only because I haven’t seen the other one in person yet) and my parents. I tried to go out to dinner with just my parents, but then my brother-in-law showed up (my sister is out of town) so I had to play things cool until he left. I gave them each a rocks glass: one reads “Grandma’s Sippy Cup” and the other “Grandpa’s Sippy Cup.” Turns out, my mom’s reaction was exactly what I was waiting for to make this all seem real. More real. She hugged me multiple times and cried, and I cried a bit, and then we sat and talked about my plans for an hour or so.

“Grandma’s Sippy Cup” and “Grandpa’s Sippy Cup”

I also got to have a fun, totally unplanned reveal when a friend told me she was pregnant and due at the end of October, so I had to tell her that I am pregnant too! Then we went to catch some closing deals at Babies R’ Us…mostly we just walked around holding up every single item of clothing and cooing over how cute it was.

On Sunday I will finally see my other sister and tell her and I’ll see my brother-in-law and he’ll get to know. After that, I just have to struggle to keep quiet with everything until the traditional twelve weeks, I guess. We’ll see. I’ve never been good at keeping secrets.

In the meantime, I keep taking my basal body temperature and pregnancy tests. Not every day on the tests anymore (I did consistently for the first few). Every couple of days. I am terrified that one day I will take the test and no line will show up and the pregnancy will be over as quickly and surprisingly as it began.

That line is quite dark now…

If you, like me, are terrified and keep thinking every little downstairs twinge is a miscarriage, this site is very helpful.

I went to a baby shower yesterday, and while I still find them annoying (but I’m totally having one- bring meĀ allllll the gifts), it was fun to walk around with my smug little secret.

Family Dinner Panel (or how to kill the vibe)

Quick update first: my spermĀ did arrive safely (what a strange sentence to type) and I should be having my first IUI attempt sometime in the next week.

The night before Easter my immediate family (mom, dad, two sisters, brother-in-law) were sitting down to dinner. Everyone there knows at least vaguely of my plans and my sisters and my mom even came to my Sperm Donor Party. However, I have found over the past few weeks that people have A LOT of questions and I wanted to give them the opportunity to ask them.

I waited all through dinner for the perfect moment, feeling anxious butterflies in my stomach.

There was no perfect moment.

Finally, as we were clearing dishes, I smoothly jumped in with “So, moving on from that topic…I am going to be having my first attempt at getting pregnant soon” (I just can’t say insemination or sperm in front of my father. Maybe I should work on that) “and I am probably going to have some disappointments before I have any success, so I am not sure how much I am going to want to talk about it while it’s happening. So I wanted to give you the opportunity now to ask any questions you might have for me about the process.”

Awkward silence. I know how to murder a dinner party.

My mother panicked and could not think of any questions. I assured her that she was welcome to ask me things later if she wanted to.

My sister wanted to know mostly about the timeline and warn me about getting toxoplasmosis from my cat.

My other sister wanted to know if I’m moving in with my parents (maybe; they’ve invited me) and then my mom wanted to know if I’ve told my roommates I might be moving out (no, as I’m not even pregnant yet).

My brother-in-law wanted to know if I was getting genetic testing and, if there was a problem, if I would be terminating the pregnancy. While I assured him I was getting testing and had of course thought about many possible scenarios, I am in no way making a decision on that right now and hoping I never have to.

My dad said nothing.

Through this process, I have been surprised and buoyed by my father’s early acceptance of my choice. Though, looking back now, I realize that all this support was filtered through my mother and not told to me directly. My mother came to me with the invite to move in, saying that it was my dad’s idea. My mother told me at my Sperm Donor Party that while my dad didn’t want to come (good, really), he wanted her to tell me that he still fully supported my choice. The fact that my mom was telling me all of this instead of him was not strange, because that’s how our family dynamic works. We communicate with Mom the most.

At dinner, I pointed out how lovely my dad’s been about everything. He said, to the whole table, “Of course I support you in whatever you do. Just like I support you” (sister) “and you” (sister) “and you” (brother-in-law). “Doesn’t mean I agree with it, but I support you.”

Am I wrong in feeling crushed over this? Does it matter if he agrees, as long as he supports me? Aren’t they somewhat synonymous in this particular situation? Does he think support is just a financial crutch? A place to come home to?

I know there will be a lot of people who disagree with my choice, but this is really the first time I have confronted it head on. And so close to home…